| voce pictures!! |
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| 09:36pm 26/04/2004 |
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mood:  happy music: Lean On Me-Various-Happy Mix
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woo, so I got my pictures developed from the Voce trip to Washington, DC so if anyone wants to take a look, they are here:
http://homepage.mac.com/kaylan3/PhotoAlbum1.html
we had so much fun. I think it shows how much we've bonded.
I adore voce girls :) |
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| just in case |
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| 11:59pm 12/04/2004 |
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mood:  drained music: Major March-Amalgamated Sons of Rest
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"it's two years since I've been happy.
two years since I've seen your face.
now I don't sleep and I don't want to.
because I keep myself up just in case.
I have grown my hair out longer.
you have grown your beard out too
skin is frailing, arms are failing.
but you'd still know me, wouldn't you?"
-Major March by Amalgamated Sons of Rest |
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| my phobias |
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| 09:14pm 04/04/2004 |
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mood:  sad music: carolina.-Benjamin Gibbard-home volume V.
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achluophobia-fear of darkness
acrophobia-fear of heights
agliophobia-fear of pain
aichmophobia-fear of needles
apiphobia-fear of bees
arachnophobia-fear of spiders
aviophobia-fear of flying
claustrophobia-fear of being enclosed or of small spaces
cnidophobia-fear of stings
decidophobia-fear of making decisions
demophobia-fear of crowds
entomophobia-fear of insects
gerascophobia-fear of growing old
hemophobia-fear of blood
latrophobia-fear of going to the doctor
ligyrophobia-fear of loud noises
necrophobia-fear of death or dead things
nosophobia-fear of becoming ill
phasmophobia-fear of ghosts
soteriophobia-fear of dependence on others
spheksophobia-fear of wasps
tachophobia-fear of speed
taphephobia-fear of being buried alive
tonitrophobia-fear of thunder
trypanophobia-fear of injections
well.
that's pretty extensive. |
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| oh...oh dear.... |
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| 03:09pm 04/04/2004 |
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mood: amused music: No Rain-Blind Melon-Smiley Mix
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I think I'm writing a pseudo-porno...
yes, I think I am...
the joys of being a writer and dating a film student... |
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| I wanna live my life and have friends around |
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| 10:13pm 03/04/2004 |
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mood: melancholy music: We never change-Coldplay-Parachutes
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that's all.
"we never change, do we?"
"I wanna live in a wooden house
where making new friends would be easy.
I wanna live where the sun comes out." |
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| april showers bring may flowers. |
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| 09:56pm 01/04/2004 |
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mood: no tengo ganas de hacer nada. music: Subterranean Homesick Alien-Radiohead-OK Computer
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well, april fool's day is almost over and I didn't get one prank pulled on me.
well, I take that back, I got a little one. lyndsay told me she got into an accident...but that lasted like 5 seconds and she was like "april fool's!" so, I guess I got one.
nothing spectacular though.
ah well. there's always next year.
meanwhile, I have a spanish vocab test to study for.
I
hate
spanish
vocabulary.
too many words.
blah.
in other news, it's raining a lot so I'm listening to a lot of radiohead.
in local news, I fell on my face in voce today.
tripped over my long skirt and ran smack into the floor.
at least it made everyone laugh.
in political news, I argued the tenets of existentialism and atheism to my english class and I got shot down and called the devil.
basically, we are studying existentialist literature and existentialism happens to be something I've dabbled in and it makes a lot of sense to me. why do for others when you should really be doing for yourself? you know, man cannot control the actions of others, there is no such thing as fate, no omnipotent being, only your actions will get you where you are going. stuff like this. well, no one liked that one bit. I was saying that heaven and hell were only created by man in order to encourage/trick him into following religion and that "society" has created its own moral code and therefore it should be particular to each person. society is what is holding us back, what we have to conform to, what we assume is right and good. if there were no society like the one we have, then people would be able to listen to themselves and better make their path in the world.
I was called an anarchist, creator of chaos.
then they brought hitler into it saying that he acted for himself and it killed 6 million jews...and gays...and mentally ill individuals.
so I told them the truth: hitler was a religious man. he went to church. he subscribed to god. he wasn't doing it for himself, he was doing it for germany. in order to "cleanse" the country. and people followed him. he obviously did not act alone.
I'm sure everyone thinks I'm an anti-semite now.
too bad I'm dating a jew.
wonder if they know that.
then liz decides to bring up the fact that a woman killed her children because she thought god came down and told her to do so.
okay, now come on, that was just asking for me to point out to her that this woman obviously had a mental disorder and that even if that was the case, if she didn't believe in god, she wouldn't have killed her children.
right?
well, that inspired a bunch of comments all starting with "in MY religion"
like they were trying to prove they were better because they had a "religion"
whatever.
I argued my best.
my teacher didn't even want to call on me after a while. she looked at me like I'd caused the third world war. she was afraid everything that came out of my mouth would be an incediary, inflammatory comment that would cause the class to go into an uproar.
that's nice.
so at the end of class,
yoni: "well, thanks for playing devil's advocate"
me: "well, that's what I believe in."
yoni: "well, then I guess you're just the devil"
me: "thanks yoni, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside now"
some people, are just assholes.
that's how it's meant to be.
there are so many republicans in my english class it isn't even funny. |
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| you took my heart again |
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| 05:07pm 28/03/2004 |
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mood:  hungry music: Took My Heart-Lucky 7
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*HUGS* TOTAL!
give indie_writer more *HUGS*
Get hugs of your own
haha.
that's just for fun.
haven't been updating much because mike and brian came home and we went to see movies.
saw Jersey Girl (not even a car accident could stop us!) it was pretty good. very cute. quite the chick flick. I suspect mike and brian enjoyed it more than they normally would because it was a Kevin Smith movie, plus it didn't follow the typical format. but it was good nonetheless. very interesting.
next, mikey and I went to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. it's really interesting and different movie. Jim Carrey is excellent as is Kate Winslet. I was more surprised by Jim Carrey's performance though. he's really good, it's such a different character than he usually plays. We learned in psych that he has bi-polar (manic-depressive) disorder and I could really see his other side in this movie. I really liked it. it was a good date movie for him and me. we're kind of weird like that.
anyhow, they left today.
I miss mikey but we had a good time together when he was here. we always have a good time.
but yeah.
HUG ME! |
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| turn into something beautiful. |
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| 08:55pm 21/03/2004 |
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mood: not in a good mood. music: Round Here-Counting Crows-Across A Wire: Live In New York (Disc 2)
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gah.
today was kind of a crappy day.
no one showed up to the sectional but jackie and me.
procrastinated allllll my homework until the last minute.
*sigh*
what did I do while I was procrastinating? I did this:
how well do you know me?
ain't that exciting?
yeah, not really, but what can I say?
I'm still procrastinating my homework. and I'm in a bad mood. woohoo.
( she's always a woman to me )
( take your carriage clock and shove it. )
( wishlist )
"I'd tell all my friends but they'd never believe me.
they'd think that I'd finally lost it completly.
I'd show them the stars and the meaning of life.
they'd shut me away but I'd be alright.
I'm alright.
I'm just uptight."
-radiohead |
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| you take a lot of chances with your feelings. no one really knows what you feel...you turn your pretty head if it gets real. you take it so slowly and your eyes look so lonely but it's only when you think about me. |
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| 11:47pm 20/03/2004 |
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mood:  tired music: Think About Me-Goo Goo Dolls -Gutterflower
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so let's see. I could make up a new entry or I could just crosspost like it's my job. hmmm...it's late. the second option looks really good right now. so, here you are. my night in summary:
so tonight I was propositioned by lyndsay to go to pops 'n' jazz yet again. rob offered her two tickets and told her to meet him by the ticket booth at 7 to get them. we rendezvoused at 10 of 7 and showed up to do the subversive ticket deal at 7. at 7:20 we still didn't have tickets, so we convinced the pnj nazis to let lyndsay backstage so we could get the tickets. she went back and retrieved them and we sat down to enjoy the show which I can safely say was a whole lot better than thursday night. we counted and found that noah had a total of 8 solos, at least 3 of which were entire songs. well, there you have it folks: pops 'n' prem.
anyhow, we made fun of a lot of people and oohed and ahhed over a lot of people. all in all a good time.
after the show, we met up with olga, ariel and dorothy and they wanted to go somewhere so they were like "okay, meet us at kpldfgnsdgpsdn! okay?" and we said okay and then realized we didn't hear what they said, so we ended up at a very closed looking friendly's and then I get a message from olga saying that they're at the gas station buying cadbury eggs (???) and that after which they are going to will's house, but not right away because he isn't there yet (???) so lynnie and I consulted and found that it would be sketchy to go to will's at 11:30 at night and she had to be home at midnight anyway so we said nuts to that (salt peanuts!) and she drove me home.
there, see? that wasn't so bad. I hope everyone had a good first day of spring. too bad there's so much snow on the ground...merg. whatever. the torrent of rain is washing it all away.
my favorite expression: out of the frying pan, into the fire.
ahh well.
such is life. (abatee wahhhh ha! such is life) oh dear, choir songs. |
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| die trying just to keep myself from kissing you |
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| 09:48am 20/03/2004 |
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mood:  stressed music: Ruby-Apples in Stereo-Her Wallpaper Reverie
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so for some reason my body felt it was necessary to fall asleep at 6pm last night, wake up for dinner at 7, and fall back to sleep at 7:10. I woke up at midnight wondering where the hell 8 oclock, 9oclock, 10oclock and 11oclock went. mike called to tell me and I talked to him for awhile and I ended up going back to sleep at 1:30. no wonder I woke up at 9oclock this morning. anyhow, I have no excuse for being tired right now. I feel like I should get out and about today, I just don't know where to go and who to go with. *sigh* I should clean my room. and do laundry. I'll do it later.
anyhow, I'm getting worried about Geoff and Bill. I feel like there isn't enough time. it's going up june 3rd, but still, that's not many rehearsals. I'm going to have to start rehearsing weekends. and everyone knows that rehearsing at my house on a saturday is not going to be very helpful. it's not the stage. I'll probably just use saturdays for line throughs or something when it gets closer to going up. gahhh. stress.
so yeah. so I should eat breakfast since it's still the morning. later. |
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| the name game (I stole this from carolina) |
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| 10:48pm 14/03/2004 |
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mood:  sick music: London-Third Eye Blind
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if you call me britney, you are anyone really
if you call me britnikki-you are carolina :)
if you call me babe, doll, darling, cutes, love or beauty, you are mikey.
if you call me briye, you are laurie...from 7th grade.
if you call me brit-yit you are maiahaiaiaia or scooter :-p
if you call me brit bit you are matt.
if you call me britney face, you are lyndsay
if you call me bitty or zuzu you are my mother.
if you call me japonica, you are from DA
if you call me xemotion.is.deadx, you are from DJ
that's fun. kinda interesting to see all the nicknames I have.
hmm.
yeah.
so I'm alive. haven't written in a while, but I haven't really been feeling like it. mike was here for a week, he went home today, so we were pretty upset about it (we meaning him and me...not me and my alternate personalities) um, I have a cold. that kind of sucks. um, I'm thirsty.
yes.
blah. blah blah blah.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
and I DEFINITELY don't want to do any homework.
second semester senior year is supposed to be EASY.
whatever. I'll stop complaining now.
I'm getting something to drink. |
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| britney's weekend a la al franken |
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| 04:34pm 07/03/2004 |
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mood: tired music: Love You More Than Life-Neutral Milk Hotel
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friday afternoon:
class ended. was tired and sick but muddled through anyhow with hopes of beating this "tired" at its own game and coming round full circle to awake.
didn't work.
rehearsal: SNAFU (situation normal, all fucked up)
told everyone to come after school.
everyone showed up half hour late.
lyndsay told me to calm down.
yelled at lyndsay for even suggesting such an idea.
end rehearsal.
went home with mike at 3:30.
antics ensued.
picked brian up at 7 for food before movie.
bad service, good food...bad for you.
went back to mike's to kill time before movie.
time murdered for hour while I slept and boys played a kill game on xbox.
kept having dreams of killing mike.
at end of dream, white times new roman font appeared over dead body saying "you killed commonname"
realized we were late to movie.
got in car and went to "Starsky and Hutch"
saw movie.
laughed copiously.
got very nauseous and almost threw up.
laughed some more.
drove brian home and went back to my house.
antics ensued.
1:00, mike went home. I went to sleep.
saturday: mike was sick.
thought it was my fault and apologized. felt guilty for dreaming about killing him. decided not to tell him about the dreams. told me it was not my fault. would have felt stupid for apologizing but was too busy laughing at dreams.
showered and dressed and sat around.
decided to go for a bike ride.
did not realize how muddy and cold it really was.
bad idea to bike in early spring.
half way there, realized would have to bike back home eventually.
terror ensued.
huffed and puffed and biked myself back home.
was thoroughly exhausted.
took nap and dreamt about hitler.
again.
think he is stalking me in my dreams.
like freddy.
creepy.
made mixed cd's.
mike called. drove to his house.
antics ensued.
got hungry and decided to make tortellini.
realized we didn't have sauce
trip to waldbaums.
discovered mike's personal vendetta against ragu and anything not microwaveable.
back home.
started boiling water and realized there wasn't enough tortellini.
sent mike back to waldbaums for more because could not trust him to watch boiling water.
mike returned. made tortellini.
ate tortellini.
serious case of eyes bigger than stomach.
lots of left overs.
back upstairs and watched "shanghai knights"
following conversation ensued:
me: "are they fighting again?"
him: "britney, this is a jackie chan movie"
me: "but does it have to be so stupid?"
no answer.
end movie.
antics ensued.
mom didn't want me driving one block home at "all hours of the night." decided to leave at 1.
went home. did dishes left in sink since 7pm.
spent 5 minutes playing with orange squishy dish detergent.
bubbles. he he he.
felt repusively tired and went to sleep.
sunday:
woke up at 9:20. realized mike was coming over in 40 minutes.
rolled over and went back to sleep.
woke up at 9:35. realized mike was coming over in 25 minutes.
rolled over and went back to sleep.
woke up at 9:40. realized mike was coming over in 20 minutes.
got my ass out of bed.
mike called, said he was coming over in 5 minutes.
mike arrived.
antics ensued.
11:40-end antics.
mike drove to jackie's house for sectional.
discovered that sectional sounds remarkably like "sexual"
laughed copiously.
gossiped for hour and a half.
hitched ride home with rachel.
more gossip ensued.
got home and realized had 12 in depth questions about crime and punishment due tomorrow.
screamed copiously.
1:50 buckled down and got to work reading book.
2:00 gave up and went online to sparknotes.com
spent 2 hours looking up answers to questions about russians.
plotted downfall of russia with nothing but pen, paper and one thousand copies of crime and punishment.
cursed all of my russian friends. separately. for affiliation to hateful country.
wished Dostoevsky had just been shot by firing squad.
siberia is for the weak.
finished 11 questions and gave up.
britney exit.
yeah. my weekend in summary. al franken is funnier.
who else would attempt to attain the presidency with a campaign consisting of nothing but the desire to eliminate ATM fees and "walking the state"? |
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| I should really... |
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| 11:14pm 29/02/2004 |
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mood:  frustrated music: Rainy Day-Guster-Guster mix
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I made this "I should really" list back in January. let's see what I've accomplished in 2 months...
(bold-have not done it.)
1)I should really read "The Electric Koolaid Acid Test"
2)I should really buy In Utero by nirvana
3)I should really get a job
4)I should really buy new pants
5)I should really get more sleep
6)I should really keep my room clean this time
7)I should really write in my deadjournal more often
8)I should really write in my deadjournal more meaningfully
9)I should really call people on the weekends to do different things
10)I should really draw more
11)I should really be less awkward
12)I should really cause less problems
13)I should really stop worrying so much
14)I should really stop over-thinking things
15)I should really find a back up play for May
16)I should really be less obnoxious in latin class
17)I should really not say anything unless it's necesary or nice
1I should really stop laughing at others' expense
19)I should really read more
20)I should really not write this list and forget about it.
wow...I'm bad at this. |
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| leave it alone again tonight |
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| 07:26pm 27/02/2004 |
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mood: frustrated music: Moist-leave it alone
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the perfect life is the perfect knife. poised. perfeclty. headed directly for your chest. every day it gets that much closer.
you always think that at the last minute you'll turn it away or plunge it deep inside your heart.
(or what's left of it)
but that is for the squeamish and the unlikely and what you're likely to do is close your eyes and while your outer body does its bidding your mind will quietly scamper off to somewhere else. somewhere new. somewhere warm instead of cool.
and while your body is slowly dying
the rest of you will keep on lying,
thinking that you've got away
when all you had to do is stay.
rhyming poems sacrifice
meaning for the rhyming vice
and all that's left to understand
is wording and a steady hand
streaming steady stream of thought
and ruined paper, pens you bought.
pens whose caps you chewed to black
and left you with a heart attack
of surging words and doubtless thought
whose meaning you can't come across.
you search and look in dictionaries
but these words are the ones that tarry
and bury deep inside the thaw
of ice and snow and rain and cold
that say the winter's getting old
and giving way to pretty spring
where thoughts will burgeon,
birds will sing.
the key to rhyming is to use
the words and thoughts that others lose
in living here from day to day
in discourse and in right of way.
anyhow my mind's off track,
the train derailed, I leave the wreck
and wander, duped, away from here
to find my knife inside the mirror,
grab it from my better hand
and poise it helpfully, help it stand
the test of faith (the one I failed)
and let it rot and let it pale
and wither shimmer fade away.
looking past the opaque specter
to the empty wooden lectern
devoid of controversial mind,
they've all moved on to greater times.
moving onto lesser trials:
glass housed masses shouldn't write bibles.
that is all. |
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| comic comic comic |
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| 12:33am 22/02/2004 |
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mood: amused music: vertical horizon-all of you
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#9 (sheena and judy's crash pad)
judy: "what's gotten into you lately?"
sheena (sitting on the couch eating ice cream): "nothing"
judy: "you're eating double chocolate death ice cream and watching When Harry Met Sally...and you're going to tell me nothing is wrong?"
sheena: "looks that way, doesn't it?"
#10
judy: "okay, you can either tell me what is wrong with you, or I can...(she grabs the ice cream) hold your ice cream hostage!!"
sheena: "no!!!!! give it baaaaack judy!! come on!!!"
judy (takes a spoonful): "mm, this is pretty good...hmm, I'll have to look into eating the rest of this"
sheena: "come on judy, give it back! let me wallow in misery, ice cream and chick flicks alone"
judy: "not until you tell me"
#11
sheena: "FINE!"
judy: "psychologist judy is in. what's wrong." (hands her back the ice cream)
sheena: "brad"
judy: "and who is this brad you speak of?"
sheena: "manager"
judy: "hmm, well, my diagnosis, by the looks of this half empty ice cream carton, is a severe case of brad the manager likes someone who isn't sheena"
sheena (mumbles): "well it wasn't exactly written in inkblots"
#12
judy: "so, if it isn't you he likes, then who is it? who could brad the manager possibly like that would make you so upset? is it a co-worker? jealousy ensues...hmm, a tete a tete in the workplace...must make the old 9-5 kind of uncomfortable...competing with some other girl for his attentions..."
sheena (the whole time she is boring holes into judy's head and fuming, she finally boils over): "ONLY WHEN YOU SHOW UP!!!"
judy (completely oblivious): "was it something I said?"
sheena storms out.
indie_writer |
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| "veronica's car is like a disease" |
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| 06:57pm 21/02/2004 |
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mood:  weird music: Face Like A Horse-20 Minute Loop
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I want to suck my lipgloss down from off the back of my lips and deep into my throat so I can taste the honey smell lingering in the air and then slowly with desperation and determination cut every last hair that hangs dead and stupid from my head until I closely resemble anyone you want to never get close to. I want to paint. I want to paint things I've never seen and then go there and wonder if they're true to life. I want to smear blood on a canvas and tell people it's grape juice that dried there it's modern art I'll say and sell them my blood for years and years to come, dirt cheap because we come from dirt, after all and what's the use in doing anything but returning to it. then I want to sculpt. wood. massive mahogany structures with plenty of curves and sanded edges. each piece turning out beautifully, stained and sanded and smoothed until they reflect. everything. and then I want to travel and meet interesting people who know wonderful things and will share them with me over coffee or water with mud in it at least something that resembles a strong drink to clear the mind and force the words to come pouring out of my mouth with no filter for once just my conscience and my conscious streaming out of my head through any orifice that can produce sounds and consonants and anything that will make sense in the most absurd of ways. any way to attempt to create an absolute understanding between myself and these interesting people who know wonderful things about faraway places where the sun sets upside down and in the south reflecting the most amazing colors from the statues made of mahogany and stained with dark grape juice blood. and then I'll go to those places and find the statues I've made and paint a picture of them and me standing looking at the sunset and we'll watch the stars come up like blinds during the day time and the moon will hover lazily above the ground, too big and heavy and orange to be supported by the soft velvet of the night and the statues will cry grape juice tears at the beauty of it all and I'll wonder where their tear ducts are and why I can't cry fruit juice from my cold eyes. if only I was a statue. statue by night but as soon as that backwards sun breaks through the starkness of the blue velvet night and crests golden red and orange on my eyes, I'd come alive and slip off my pedestal and walk about the town I'd imagined all these years just as I'd hoped. quaint and simple and foreign and new. and then I'd know things. not only would I know, but I would hunger to know things. I'd want to know things. I would yearn to learn and carry with me all the knowledge I'd enveloped in the folds of my mahogany mind. then I would really live. yes, I'd understand then. there's something I've been missing all these years and I've theorized that it has to do with the lack of real honey in honey flavored lipgloss.
this, is quite possibly the most illegible and malformed piece of writing that has ever coming cascading out of my mind.
indie_writer |
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| wow. |
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| 01:52am 20/02/2004 |
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mood: exhausted music: kara's mixed tape for me.
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amazing guster show. really freaking amazing. I posted the set list (not in order) on my deadjournal, if you want to see it, check back there.
( http://www.deadjournal.com/~live_thru_this )
plus, kara and I got tickets to see Death Cab for Cutie on April 5th in Northampton at the pearl st. club. oh man...ohhhh man am I excited. I love death cab. have since 8th grade. and I've never seen them live because there a west coast band. but they're finally coming here. fuck school man, I'm going!!! wonderful.
watched mike's statutory rape video. also really well done. A+ to him.
listening to this tape. beautiful. A+ to the tape and kara for making the tape.
all in all, this has been an A+ night.
sorry, no more comicness this evening, I'm far too tired to write anymore scripts tonight. maybe tomorrow.
good night never never land!
indie_writer |
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| you had us all fooled for a little while with your silly little crooked LA smile |
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| 01:17pm 19/02/2004 |
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mood: amused music: Hold Your Spin-Now It's Overhead
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more comicness
#5
sheena: "yeah, about that. we're not hiring right now."
judy: "oh come on sheena! how long have you known me? can't you just...pull some strings?"
sheena: "I work at the register. I don't exactly have friends in high places."
judy: "well...well make some! I have zero money. how can I possibly keep up my expensive cd collecting habit with no income?"
sheena: "well, you could start by not buying so much crappy music..."
judy: "every freaking time! every time! what is it with you?!"
#6
judy: "okay, since you're OBVIOUSLY not going to get me a job, the least you can do is answer one question for me."
sheena: "shoot"
judy: "why do you make fun of emo music so much?"
sheena: "because...it's easy and hey, everyone knows it's just a passing fad."
judy (obviously enraged): "how can you say that? I can't believe you would just completely disregard an entire genre of music JUST because it isn't something you like you could at least have the decency...
sheena (obviously not paying attention): "next customer please"
(judy leaves in a huff)
#7
(we see just the front register, no one is at it and it appears unoccupied)
brad (sheena's boss, the manager, walks in): SHEENA!!!
sheena (who was under the counter changing the music hits her head on her way up in her rush to answer brad whom she kind of has a crush on but masks it with annoyance): OW! what, brad, what is it? what could possibly be so important that you would make me risk permanent brain damage for you?
brad: who's your friend?
sheena: friend...there's no one here, what the...oh...judy?
brad: yes. the one you were just speaking to.
sheena: oh. yeah, sorry about that. she gets kind of...excited when people dis her musical taste.
brad: no, it's okay...say...does she come here often?
#8
sheena: well, sometimes, I mean she stops by to...wait a minute, you've been my manager here for a year! you know she...
(brad smiles stupidly)
sheena (jealous and yet disgusted): you...like...judy???
(brad smiles stupidly)
sheena: but...but...your musical tastes are so refined and hers are so...BAD! how can you like her? she's just a whiny little emo kid!
brad: what can I say? I like 'em fiesty.
(sheena looks devastated)
there you have it. 4 more possible scripts. this writing thing is fun.
indie_writer |
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